My Message To You, The Youth
When I started to feel depressed, I didn’t even realize it.
The feeling crept up on me very subtly. It started around November of last year
and slowly worked itself into the New Year. Sometimes it hid itself. I would
have days when I felt very low, tired and moody, and then I would have days
when I felt joyful and blissful about life. This deceived me into thinking it
wasn’t anything significant, until I got to a point in April this year when I
would wake up in the morning feeling like there is a heavy boulder on me. I
would sit on the couch all day doing nothing and the cycle repeated itself
everyday for almost the whole of the school holiday. No one ever asked me why I
wasn’t doing anything productive, so I didn’t say anything about it. A part of
me felt guilty. I felt as though I had no reason to feel this way; I had a roof
over my head, food on the table, a happy, loving and healthy family and I had
the opportunity to attend a very good school. I would tell myself “You’re being
selfish, there are people starving out there. Some children have to work to
support their families in this country and here you are, moping about nothing”,
and because of this I began to feel more and more isolated. I felt like I was
alone, like no one else I know could have possible felt this way. I soon
learned that the monster within fed on my guilt, on my insecurities and on my
silence. I wanted to tell a friend or a family member how I was feeling but
something was convincing me that if I told them they would judge me, they would
think I was silly for feeling this way and I would be shunned. So ironically,
in order to keep from being shunned by the people close to me, I isolated
myself from them.
The more I kept quiet about how I felt, the more I sank. I
felt like I was in an abyss of deep sadness and there was no escaping it. My
battle with my feelings felt like a tug of war; sometimes I would feel slightly
hopeful, almost like I was winning, then in an instant I would be back in that
negative place I was trying so hard to escape. Part of the reason I was so
quiet was that I felt like our Zimbabwean society would not accept to look at
depression as a serious thing and I had no idea how many other people were
feeling this way. Every time I thought of telling someone about it I would just
think “This is stupid. Many people feel pressure from school. Many people have
felt at some point that they are not that important. Many people feel
untalented. Get over yourself.” The problem with this, I have come to realize,
was that I was catalyzing the process of killing the light inside me. The more
I told myself this, the more I convinced myself that feeling this way was a
part of life. I told myself that this is what happens as you get older; you feel
the weight of the world on your shoulders and you just have to accept that your
happy days are over, but as much as I thought this, I hadn’t reached rock
bottom just yet .
I eventually escaped
this state when my brother suddenly got very sick and I had to muster all my
strength and dedicate it to supporting my family. My feelings were suddenly no
longer my captor. The experience shocked me out of my depression and through it
I realized that I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for. My
brother’s sickness drained me emotionally, but it taught me that I am going to
encounter challenges in my life, but giving up will not help me. As much as
this experience was unpleasant for me, I realize that some people have it
worse. Some people feel very much alone and even contemplate ending their
lives. I am dedicating this article to a very special friend who is going
through a hard time right now, and to anyone else who is experiencing this. My
message to you is that feeling depressed does not equal whining. Your feelings
are very real and significant and talking to people around you may seem scary,
but it will help you. When you experience depression it’s very hard to
visualize a brighter future, but it truly does get better. I think it’s time we
stop feeling afraid or ashamed about our personal struggles and reach out to
others and ask for help.
I wrote this because I want to start a conversation with
other Zimbabwean teens about the pressures we experience in our society and
what effect they have on us, because simply knowing you’re not the only one
going through something can really give you a lot of hope for the future.
Therefore I want to start a blog, a safe place where we can all talk about our
problems and provide help for each other, because this year I have come to
realize that a lot of people around me are experiencing some sort of depression
or anxiety, but they don’t always express it. As much as it is safer to keep
our feelings to ourselves, I think sharing them may not only help us, but many
other people I our situation as well. So let us share with each other our
struggles. This is my message to the youth of Zimbabwe.
- Thursday, August 25, 2016
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