My Message To You, The Youth

When I started to feel depressed, I didn’t even realize it. The feeling crept up on me very subtly. It started around November of last year and slowly worked itself into the New Year. Sometimes it hid itself. I would have days when I felt very low, tired and moody, and then I would have days when I felt joyful and blissful about life. This deceived me into thinking it wasn’t anything significant, until I got to a point in April this year when I would wake up in the morning feeling like there is a heavy boulder on me. I would sit on the couch all day doing nothing and the cycle repeated itself everyday for almost the whole of the school holiday. No one ever asked me why I wasn’t doing anything productive, so I didn’t say anything about it. A part of me felt guilty. I felt as though I had no reason to feel this way; I had a roof over my head, food on the table, a happy, loving and healthy family and I had the opportunity to attend a very good school. I would tell myself “You’re being selfish, there are people starving out there. Some children have to work to support their families in this country and here you are, moping about nothing”, and because of this I began to feel more and more isolated. I felt like I was alone, like no one else I know could have possible felt this way. I soon learned that the monster within fed on my guilt, on my insecurities and on my silence. I wanted to tell a friend or a family member how I was feeling but something was convincing me that if I told them they would judge me, they would think I was silly for feeling this way and I would be shunned. So ironically, in order to keep from being shunned by the people close to me, I isolated myself from them.

The more I kept quiet about how I felt, the more I sank. I felt like I was in an abyss of deep sadness and there was no escaping it. My battle with my feelings felt like a tug of war; sometimes I would feel slightly hopeful, almost like I was winning, then in an instant I would be back in that negative place I was trying so hard to escape. Part of the reason I was so quiet was that I felt like our Zimbabwean society would not accept to look at depression as a serious thing and I had no idea how many other people were feeling this way. Every time I thought of telling someone about it I would just think “This is stupid. Many people feel pressure from school. Many people have felt at some point that they are not that important. Many people feel untalented. Get over yourself.” The problem with this, I have come to realize, was that I was catalyzing the process of killing the light inside me. The more I told myself this, the more I convinced myself that feeling this way was a part of life. I told myself that this is what happens as you get older; you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and you just have to accept that your happy days are over, but as much as I thought this, I hadn’t reached rock bottom just yet .

 I eventually escaped this state when my brother suddenly got very sick and I had to muster all my strength and dedicate it to supporting my family. My feelings were suddenly no longer my captor. The experience shocked me out of my depression and through it I realized that I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for. My brother’s sickness drained me emotionally, but it taught me that I am going to encounter challenges in my life, but giving up will not help me. As much as this experience was unpleasant for me, I realize that some people have it worse. Some people feel very much alone and even contemplate ending their lives. I am dedicating this article to a very special friend who is going through a hard time right now, and to anyone else who is experiencing this. My message to you is that feeling depressed does not equal whining. Your feelings are very real and significant and talking to people around you may seem scary, but it will help you. When you experience depression it’s very hard to visualize a brighter future, but it truly does get better. I think it’s time we stop feeling afraid or ashamed about our personal struggles and reach out to others and ask for help.

I wrote this because I want to start a conversation with other Zimbabwean teens about the pressures we experience in our society and what effect they have on us, because simply knowing you’re not the only one going through something can really give you a lot of hope for the future. Therefore I want to start a blog, a safe place where we can all talk about our problems and provide help for each other, because this year I have come to realize that a lot of people around me are experiencing some sort of depression or anxiety, but they don’t always express it. As much as it is safer to keep our feelings to ourselves, I think sharing them may not only help us, but many other people I our situation as well. So let us share with each other our struggles. This is my message to the youth of Zimbabwe.