Purple Lipstick

Last year was a pretty crazy year for me. I went through a lot of changes and said way too many goodbyes. Relationships mean the world to me, so I try to make them as deep and concentrated as I possibly can (this is one of the reasons I hate texting people. Its so hard to connect with someone when you can't look into their eyes or squeeze their hand, ugh!) Anyway, when I feel like I'm losing touch with a friend, my heart feels like its being torn apart. Last year it felt like it was ripped to shreds. I remember listening to a mix CD that one of my friends had made me as a goodbye present and crying my eyes out because I felt so sad. Leaving people you care about can be a tough thing! (*before I go on, if any of you are going through something similar, it gets better and you end up with a warm everglow of gratefulness for the friendships you had :))

For some reason, during times of turmoil I tend to become extremely introspective and reflect on some of life's greater themes (I hope I'm not alone in this.) The August winds carried along with them thoughts of my existence and purpose. One of my goals in life is to provide people in under served communities access to world class health care and treatments. You're probably thinking, woah Marly, that's pretty noble! Well, the fact that I can think about your response and feel better about myself, immediately counteracts that and makes me question my motives. Is my internal compass actually just a feel good tank, leading towards whatever can fill it up? Why do I feel like this is something I'm supposed to do? I'm not entirely sure. Some part of me recognizes that I'm selfish and that I enjoy being affirmed, but I don't think that's the true reason, at least I hope its not. I remember sitting on my bed, thinking, even if I go on to complete my goal, will it be enough to satisfy me? Why do people go into business or art or ministry? Is it just because they are good at it? Is that enough of a reason to spend your life on something? The questions are endless, "a chasing after the wind."  

 St. Augustine writes "Our hearts are restless, until they find rest in you." Our purpose (I think) is outside of our current disposition. C.S Lewis writes "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.' Yes, I think thats part of it! There is something within me that knows that it is not enough for me to do good, maybe have a family and develop a career. I yearn for something intangible, something I cannot see. Although this is true... what then am I doing here on earth then? An answer that gave me some sort of peace was brought up in Westminster a really long time ago. A group of "divines" got together and wrote what we know today as the Catechism. In this they all agree that man's chief end (purpose) is to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I think that a lot of the stuff we have in our hearts is stuff that was put there by God for His glory. The Bible even talks about us eating and drinking for His glory. What does that look like? Biting into a cheesy slice of pizza and thanking God for the ability to taste such goodness (#blessed). For me maybe that means trusting that my own desire to be glorified would be overshadowed by my need to glorify Him. Also choosing to do something I enjoy so that my appreciation is genuine and not out of obligation.

Aaah! I'm still trying to figure things out. My thoughts are based so much on my own circumstances and experiences, so they are definitely tainted and flawed. If you're trying to figure out your purpose, I would recommend you look for something that you thoroughly enjoy and check if it glorifies God too. Also know that you aren't the only one who hasn't figured it out. I'm still trying to get a clearer picture too.Oh and one last thing, my own version of the Catechism would mention love. The Bible says in Romans that he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. Loving the people around you can lead you smack into the place you're supposed to be, that's how I ended up here ;) "...and these three things remain faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."

xoxo
Love Always,
Marly <3