Purple Lipstick

I remember sitting in a church service once, it was a women’s conference with flowery walls and upbeat music. The atmosphere was warm and welcoming and it felt like a safe place where magic could be sparked amongst sisters. The good vibes continued throughout the day until one woman came up and began to speak on the topic of modesty. Now, I was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, but I immediately felt uncomfortable when the preacher started to call out particular styles of dressing. Tight jeans and “spaghetti” strap tops were amongst the items condemned as being attention seeking devices to attract men. Throughout the talk I was cringing internally. Zimbabwe gets hot, that day was no different. As you can probably predict there were girls in the crowd that had spaghetti strap shirts on. Heads bowed or cardigans quickly pulled on they continued to listen to the message, avoiding eye contact with the women around them glancing over at their poor choice in outfit. Shoulders to me do not seem immodest. I believe many of the girls wearing the tops thought the same. I literally felt love leave the room. I felt safety leave the room. The preacher that spoke was not Zimbabwean.

How do we define modesty? I googled it…
“Modesty and demureness is a mode of dress and deportment intended to avoid encouraging sexual attraction in others; actual standards vary widely. In this use, it can be considered inappropriate or immodest to reveal certain parts of the body.”
Reading from this definition I think the more appropriate question would be who gets to define the standards of modesty?

 Many people might believe that religious leaders should have this privilege, but where do they draw their standards from? From the Bible? (I’m singling out Christianity in this case because Zimbabwe is 80% Christian and it is my own religion so I’m trying my best to speak about something I have personal knowledge about.) Today we read the Bible in context, that is with the awareness that it was written with an early Middle Eastern society’s culture in mind. The early European church didn’t seem to mind deviating from Middle Eastern standards of modesty however they made it a point that women could not wear trousers. Where did they get this from? Today we’ve clearly deviated from both these standards but we’ve decided to place a particular ban on spaghetti strap shirts.
So if not the Bible, where do religious leaders like the pastor speaking at the women’s conference derive their definitions of modesty? In my opinion the answer here is culture. In America wearing shorts is viewed as normal in a number of communities. Conversely, growing up my grandmother literally shouted at me one afternoon for wearing shorts at home because it was so immodest. The same thing goes for bikinis, it is very rare to see a Zimbabwean woman in a bikini, whereas in a lot of countries bikinis are even worn by small children. There are parts of Africa where it is normal for women to walk around topless, in the same way it is normal for most of us to see men shirtless. Ballerina’s leotards make me uncomfortable but are celebrated in a western context.

What I want to emphasize here is that cultures and hence standards for modesty vary immensely. Even within Zimbabwe individual people groups, individual families define modesty uniquely. Therefore the intentions a girl in Epworth may have when wearing a particular outfit could vary from the intentions or thoughts a girl in Harare would have wearing that exact outfit. What this means is that even in this article I cannot dictate to you what modesty looks like. I have no way of judging your intentions and neither does a preacher on a pulpit. I’m not here to say that we shouldn’t care about what we wear and its effect on the people around us, we should! However it’s important to understand the reasons behind it, take it in context and stop shaming and trying to control other women because they do not match our personal standards.

It has to be out of a woman’s personal discretion (taking into consideration her cultural upbringing, religious views, preferences and common sense) to OUT OF LOVE think about the way her body affects the people around her. Let women think for themselves. Our bodies should not be made a shameful thing. Let’s first and foremost concentrate on showing each other love, kindness and compassion. Before you tell that girl how awful she is for wearing a short skirt, maybe think about how you would like to be approached in a situation like that. Do you have a relationship with this person or are you making assumptions from your own world view. Create safe spaces, create loving communities, cultivate understanding and mutuality. If you really think someone, mind you this applies to women and men, is intentionally sexualizing themselves think about why they are doing it and love them as you love yourself. TREAT THEM AS YOU WOULD TREAT YOURSELF. If I leave you with anything today it would be this love your neighbor as you love yourself.

In Love Always
Marly